Content: 

Foreword 

1. Childhood. 

1.1. First steps, first memories. 

1.2. Children’s years. 

1.3. Towards adolescence. 

2. Adolescence. 

2.1. Maturation. 

2.2. Stormy war years. 

2.3. New world. Postwar years. 

2.4. Towards the youth years. 

3. My youth. 

3.1. Pure idealism. 

3.2. Years by the sea. 

3.3. Student Years. 

4. Entering into life. 

4.1. The first big love. 

4.2. My daughter. 

4.3. Disunion. 

4.4. Depression. 

5. The years of my maturity. 

5.1. Exit out of the depression. 

5.2. The second big love. 

5.3. Years filled with feelings and anxieties. 

5.4. Disruption. 

5.5. Reconsideration of values. 

5.6. Fall. 

5.7. Traveling to America. 

5.8. Years of wisdom.

Foreword 

I start to write about my life, because I feel the need to do it. It is not very rich in events, but has a lot of content, emotions and thoughts. My nature has led me through many years and strong experiences, through depression and upraise. I lived in years of profound changes that I tried to understand and rationalize. Along with the big events, the accidents that came to me, my nature and my psyche…

15.12.1985 

Boyana 

My trip to America 

For a long time I wanted to start writing. For me, for my nature, I could not find a more meaningful expression. So the thought of traveling to America gained real power when in 1980 my friend Stoyan Joulev was appointed and left as ambassador to the United States. 

    Since early childhood, the idea for traveling appeared in my mind, and I have been exited about the new world, but America and the United States in particular have taken a particularly privileged place. I often dreamed of the skyscrapers of New York, and it was always accompanied by excitement and some sense of unfulfilled mission. 

   Several months have passed since Stoyan’s departure. I was confident in our good friendship and was looking forward to his coming to Bulgaria to ask him to send an invitation. He came in the winter of 1981 and we met on a wonderful winter night. Then I shared with him my great desire and he offered to send me an invitation. 

   Few months have passed, but it did not get any news from Washington. Stoyan came back in May 1981. On my request, he recommended that I try to gain a specialization through the bilateral cooperation between Bulgaria and the United States for scientific and cultural exchange. At first it affected me, and I perceived this as a way to reject me an invitation, but later it turned out that this way was more appropriate for me. 

   I decided to try and turned to Ognyan Popov, a former colleague, that still had friendly feelings towards me. He took me to Stoyan Kossev, head of the specialization department in the non-socialist countries to the Committee for Science and Technical Progress. After quite long negotiations with the Committee it turned out that they agreed to send me for three months, but I had to acquire some knowledge of English. It also turned out that my stay should be held in a particular program at one of the universities in the United States. 

   I started English courses in October 1981 – already at the age of 51. Before that, I had never studied English. I had studied French but there was almost nothing left in my memory. And another thing that is characteristic of my attitude and genetic predisposition – poor ability to learn languages and I have no grammar education. Tough months of training have begun, but the outlook for the upcoming trip compensated almost everything. 

   At this point, the Committee sent via IREX my program to 32 universities in the United States, requesting that they should admit me as specialized exchange. I graduated in English in February 1982, but my knowledge of the language was dismal. Then something disgusting happened in my life, and I came out of balance. Two months passed, during which I lost all control under myself – almost complete mental distortion, but for that other time. 

   No response from US universities had come. I wrote several letters to Stoyan, I talked with him when he came back to Bulgaria, but I felt he was doing almost nothing about my specialization. Thank god that there was Chavdar Angelov from Kosev’s department, a well-meaning man with a delicate psyche. 

   Gradually I was out of deep depression. I was expecting a very long-awaited message of acceptance from any university in the United States. At that time – the summer and autumn of 1982 – I was determined to do everything. What I experienced shook me totally. I lost the sense of support, and I thought that if I had a chance I would stay in America. And suddenly at the end of 1982 a message was received from Texas University at College Statement that they have agreed to accept me, but provided that I pass English language test. I knew in advance that I would not pass, but I was hoping for help from somebody. I appeared on the exam in December 1982 in the presence of a representative of the US Embassy in Sofia and the Committee. I scored more than 50% wrong answers, and they had to be less than 20%. 

   This slowed my departure, but it turned out to be the more favorable decision, as I was given the opportunity to have one-month English language training in Boston.